Easy steps to peeing in the middle of the night while nine months pregnant

- wake up suddenly with your belly tightening up and strong cramps,

- feel need to pee,

- try talking yourself out of peeing and going back to sleep,

- remember your condition and think, "shit, of, yeah, I'm pregnant," and know that peeing will make the cramps go away

- decide to leave bed (this decision making may take five minutes or so),

- moan,

- suck it up and deal with it

- while laying on your side, realize that either your hands or legs have gotten numb,

- moan,

-with the elbow closest to the bed, push against it, making a swift, ninja movement into doggie style (I have found that getting in doggie style is more effective than attempting unsuccessfully to sit up),

- moan,

-at this point, if you are still sleeping on the same bed as your husband, you may have woken him up and/or scared the crap out if him by the sight of your being there on your hands and knees,

- that's his problem,

- suck it up and deal with it,

- walk backwards until your feet touch the edge of the bed,

- bring one foot at the time to the floor,

- now you have to straighten your torso (this may take some time and other decision making, since your back hurts, your pelvis feels like it is shattering apart and the movement of straightening up the back will pull your ligament muscles with shockingly strong pains),

- suck it up and deal with it,

- moan,

- you may have another contraction here,

- moan,

- waddle to bathroom,

- if you do turn on the lights, look at the mirror and find puffy and sleepy person,

- ask yourself who that person is,

- decide you need a facial,

- moan,

- sit slowly on toilet,

- pee,

- decide suddenly that you need to go number 2,

- think with yourself, "where the hell did that come from?"

- you may just sit and sit there and nothing may happen, or you may get the runs,

- suck it up and deal with it,

- you make take a nap while waiting,

- wake up moaning,

- waddle back to bed and discover that you are suddenly thirsty,

- drink water from cup you leave next to bed,

- climb back to bed by doggie style,

- wake up husband again,

- feel heartburn,

- moan,

- repeat the whole process in thirty minutes,

- moan.

- easy, huh?