10 things that are a bad idea while "with child"

1. Going for a long walk on the beach + coffee + small person squooshing your bladder - bathroom nearby = BAD idea. You will waddle faster than the seagulls.

2. Thinking you look either too cute or too ugly. Most of the time you just look funny. You're funny looking.

3. Wearing cleavage or high heels or short shorts or anything that makes a part of your body look sexy. Men get so confused. The normal ones want to look at you but turn their eyes really fast. You can see the struggle in their poor, puzzled brains.

4. Eating spicy food. The burn you feel in your mouth will come back to it in the form of heartburn.

5. Wearing pants that are hard to take off. You never know when the little one will decide to squeeze your bladder out of the blue. You will be saying, OMG, OMG, OMG in a public bathroom and will freak out the old lady in the next stall.

6. Having sex. It's not a bad idea, but it's so National Geographic, especially when your mate is describing the whole thing with, "...and the large female approaches the helpless male..."

7. Forgetting you are pregnant and dancing in public.

8. Forgetting you are pregnant and running to cross the street when cars are approaching - unless you want to scare the crap out of a driver.

9. Leaving a grocery store with only a bottle of wine, even if it is the non-alcoholic kind. You will look like you are out of your mind.

10. Wearing a bumble bee costume for Halloween with antennas and wings (more on that later). Read number 2.

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